Family Feud

I was watching Family Feud and thought to myself, "self, what if the 100 people who were asked the F.F. questions were not asked randomly on the street, but at a porno convention?"  This is what happened.  (Actual F.F. questions)

 

Single Point Score

Things you can't leave home without:

48  Wallet/Purse

20  Car Keys

15   Condoms

10  Latex Suit

5    Proof of "cleanliness"

Single Point Score

Things you do around your house in your underwear:

35  Vacuum

24  Dance

20  Cook

10  Watch TV

3    Underwear?

Double Point Score

Finger-licking-good food:

49  Dick

49  Vagina

2    Potato Chips

Double Point Score

Things you lose in your couch:

70  Pocket Change

15   Dildo

12   Virginity

Triple Point Score 

What would you do if someone cut you in line?:

40  Wait your turn

27  Call agent

20  Finnish anyway

4    Use them as a target

Things you can't get enough of:

100  Personal Lubricant

Letter to self

This was an asignment for a class I am taking.  It is going to be complicated trying to explain to you the assignment, but here it goes:

I got a letter when I was 10 years old from my future self.  It warned me of many things that would happen throughout my life, mistakes I will make, ways to get rich, things to stay away from, stuff like that.  Well, I followed the warnings, cautions, and directions in the letter to a tee for ten years.  This is the letter I wrote (in the present) to my future self (the one who sent me the letter ten years ago).  Enjoy.

Hey Dick,

I got your letter, followed it step by step for ten fucking years and look at me now!  Stuck at a dead end job at Arby’s selling roast sandwiches to cocky asswhipe teenagers who get laid more than I do.  Well fuck you!  Let me go threw all the things you were wrong about:

Hitting Jared Lovejoy in 5^th grade didn’t make me popular, it got my ass kicked, I developed a lisp, and I was called pillow fists for the next 7 years, thanks.

Buying all those u-gee-oh cards and saving them until this day has not earned me a fortune, or made me a “chick-magnet”.

Learning the ins and outs of D&D did give you the foundation to kick ass at Everquest, Everquest 2, WOW, Warhamer, and Starcraft, but it also got me made fun of throughout college, and goth chicks do NOT put out, I don’t what you were talking about.

Don’t take the blue pill, very funny joke… now that I’ve seen The Matrix.  You know what else is funny, being sick my entire childhood because I wouldn’t take any medicine for fear that Mom was trying to poison me.

Joining the swim team was a good idea, it got you into college, not a good college, but also not a community college.  But the speedo pared with that lisp I acquired at the hands of Jared… well lets just say the gay jokes got old.

I took your advice, and got with Jessica Sherman, Kelsey Muka, and Emily Opperman senior year.  Herpes and gonerea were awesome payoffs for 37 cumulative seconds of ecstasy.

Am I missing something?  What the fuck am I doing with all these Sham-wows!?

You were wrong with everything!  Why didn’t you just tell me some loto numbers or the winners of all the superbowls?  You are an idiot.  Solidifying your stupidity, you told me to take this humor class, stupid idea.

Sincerely, fuck you!

-Looser Self

PS

I will give you credit, Tom Cruse is crazy.