Family Feud

I was watching Family Feud and thought to myself, "self, what if the 100 people who were asked the F.F. questions were not asked randomly on the street, but at a porno convention?"  This is what happened.  (Actual F.F. questions)

 

Single Point Score

Things you can't leave home without:

48  Wallet/Purse

20  Car Keys

15   Condoms

10  Latex Suit

5    Proof of "cleanliness"

Single Point Score

Things you do around your house in your underwear:

35  Vacuum

24  Dance

20  Cook

10  Watch TV

3    Underwear?

Double Point Score

Finger-licking-good food:

49  Dick

49  Vagina

2    Potato Chips

Double Point Score

Things you lose in your couch:

70  Pocket Change

15   Dildo

12   Virginity

Triple Point Score 

What would you do if someone cut you in line?:

40  Wait your turn

27  Call agent

20  Finnish anyway

4    Use them as a target

Things you can't get enough of:

100  Personal Lubricant

Letter to self

This was an asignment for a class I am taking.  It is going to be complicated trying to explain to you the assignment, but here it goes:

I got a letter when I was 10 years old from my future self.  It warned me of many things that would happen throughout my life, mistakes I will make, ways to get rich, things to stay away from, stuff like that.  Well, I followed the warnings, cautions, and directions in the letter to a tee for ten years.  This is the letter I wrote (in the present) to my future self (the one who sent me the letter ten years ago).  Enjoy.

Hey Dick,

I got your letter, followed it step by step for ten fucking years and look at me now!  Stuck at a dead end job at Arby’s selling roast sandwiches to cocky asswhipe teenagers who get laid more than I do.  Well fuck you!  Let me go threw all the things you were wrong about:

Hitting Jared Lovejoy in 5^th grade didn’t make me popular, it got my ass kicked, I developed a lisp, and I was called pillow fists for the next 7 years, thanks.

Buying all those u-gee-oh cards and saving them until this day has not earned me a fortune, or made me a “chick-magnet”.

Learning the ins and outs of D&D did give you the foundation to kick ass at Everquest, Everquest 2, WOW, Warhamer, and Starcraft, but it also got me made fun of throughout college, and goth chicks do NOT put out, I don’t what you were talking about.

Don’t take the blue pill, very funny joke… now that I’ve seen The Matrix.  You know what else is funny, being sick my entire childhood because I wouldn’t take any medicine for fear that Mom was trying to poison me.

Joining the swim team was a good idea, it got you into college, not a good college, but also not a community college.  But the speedo pared with that lisp I acquired at the hands of Jared… well lets just say the gay jokes got old.

I took your advice, and got with Jessica Sherman, Kelsey Muka, and Emily Opperman senior year.  Herpes and gonerea were awesome payoffs for 37 cumulative seconds of ecstasy.

Am I missing something?  What the fuck am I doing with all these Sham-wows!?

You were wrong with everything!  Why didn’t you just tell me some loto numbers or the winners of all the superbowls?  You are an idiot.  Solidifying your stupidity, you told me to take this humor class, stupid idea.

Sincerely, fuck you!

-Looser Self

PS

I will give you credit, Tom Cruse is crazy.

Rejected American Gladiators Stages

Rejected American Gladiators Stages:

-Pie Eating Contest

-Hug-Off

-Puppy Grooming

-Ipecac Chug

-Lazer-tag

-Pottery-ing

-Poetry Slam!

-Who Has Testicles?

-Being Raped

-Jizzbomb

I Read A 1,000 Page Book, Suck It.

I read a 1,000 page book.  I shouldn't have.  It took me 27 days to finnish.  This is why my blog has been slacking.  The only good thing about the book (other than it being finished) is that I get to read the next one now, and it is less than 700 pages!  Lucky me.  If you were expecting something funny from this blog entry, you are mistaken.  I am just genuinely upset that I wasted 27 days reading that stupid ass book when I could have been doing something truly productive, like playing Halo.  Damn you Terry Goodkind.  And yes, I know how fucking awesome that picture is, after all, I read the damn thing.

Factism

Lets get some facts strait. 

Dudes are smarter than chicks.  Jews are good at saving money.  Black people are great dancers.  Asians are good at math.  White guys can't jump.  Queers make great designers.  Catholics are pedophiles.  (I think that just about offends everyone...)  Oh yeah, fat people a great at belly flops.  And skinny people are anorexic.  (There)

I know what you're saying to yourself, "Why is Emontie Purth making all these bigoted comments?  He is usually so tasteful and full of tact."  I'll tell you why, these are not racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, or otherwise bigoted comments.  They are the facts.  Now before you start flagging my blog, or whatever you uptight librarian hippies do (oh no, now I'm being librarianist), hear me out.  It is not me being a bigot, it's you being a factist.

Think about it.  You are all "high and mighty" on your throne of political correctness, fuck you

 Bill Maher (I don't think that anyone thinks your funny other than the pompous, self-righteous, smug, holier-than-thou PPL majors that I so enjoy to hear the opinions of).  I am calling for a

 new wave of political awareness, accept people for what they are.  Certain people are just great dancers, mathematicians, fashionistas, pedophiles, bellyflop champions, or supermodels.  Those are simply the facts.

High-tops and Faux-hawks

I'm not sure when the transition took place.  Frat boys use to sport the popped collar and the blowout.  Now, they have traded in their polos for a pair of Reeboks and an even queerer hairstyle.  I'm also fairly sure that the hairstyle was actually started by legitimate homosexuals, not that there's anything wrong with that.  I don't know, I guess I've always been a bit skeptical of the whole "fraternity" thing anyway.  Any association comprised entirely of dudes, clouded in secrecy, and known for it's "late night initiations" seems a bit on the sketchy side.  And by sketchy, I mean gay.  But to call them "gay" is unfair to the gay community.  The gays have been taking it hard from a lot of different people for a very long time (I didn't mean for it to sound like that, but I guess it serves it's purpose).  I mean, think about it.  Without the gays, who would Texas lean on for all their homophobic insults?  They can't only rail on black people, can they?

I've gotten off track.  High-tops can only be pulled off by two types of people, the NBA stars and the Fresh Prince.  Why all these whiteboys think that their skinny-ass, chicken legs would look good in shoes that are obviously one or two sizes too big because they 

don't make basketball shoes in sizes under a 9 is beside me.  I mean, honestly, at least the blowout fratboys wore nice clothing.  Fratboy 2.0 couldn't find a job with those kicks if his life depended on it.  They look like white trash.  Both sects of idiots are eyesoars, don't get me wrong, but it seams as if this new model is trying to be something they are not, cool.  While the fratboys of old were, in fact, doing a great job achieving being something they were, deuche bags.

Mike Tyson

Why is this picture so awesome?  Many, many more posts about Mike Tyson to come in the future.