Chess?

If this were a blog about chess, it would be boring.

Karate

I feel like karate levels in the United States are at an all time low.  After the acquisition of Hillary Swank in The Next Karate Kid, the Karate Kid saga went to hell and the levels of karate in the average American's life plummeted.  And as a result, the economy is in the shitter, we are in a crazy war, and the Jonas Brothers are at the top of the charts! 

But fear not my fellow Americans, I've got the solution.  Assault.  If karate instructors are serious about increasing the flow of people in and out of those dojo doors then they cant be afraid to get their hands a little dirty.  Instead of relying on word of mouth and ignorable flyers, get out there and kick someone's ass.

Picture this:  It's 1 o'clock on the morning.  You're walking home alone, cold, and scared.  You see an ominous looking figure approaching you and you think to yourself, "don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact."  Just as the two of you pass, he screams and chops you in the neck, punches you in the gut, then kicks you in the shin.  Your laying on the ground wondering if this dude is going to steal your shoes when he crouches over you and asks, "don't you wish you knew karate?"  BOOYA!  There is one life time customer.

Just try to tell me that you never wish you knew karate.

The Kid's Aren't Alright

Here's the thing.  I have a little brother who is 7 years younger than me.  I always knew that the kid was a little whacko, as a matter of face, I was going to include him in the list of 20 crazy people, but I decided that Mel Gibson had a little more public exposure than the little brother.  But I digress, I always knew the kid was a little... off, but I didn't think anything of it.  That is until he invited a few of his jerk-off friends over.  It was then that I started to wonder, "what is it that is making these kids all f*cking nuts?"  I then took a HUGE step back and tried to deduce why the kids are so crazy.  Here are a few movies, television programs, cultural phenomenon, and other things which I believed poisoned the youth.

The Walt Disney Effect:

Sleeping Beauty = Necrophelia.  For all intensive purposes, this chick was dead.  She was poisoned by Maleficent (yeah, I know the witch's

 name) and put on a stone slab.  Poison + stone slab = dead.  Well prince charming comes along and brings her back to life by kissing her.  What kind of sick, sadistic, necrophile would pass this off as a heartwarming children's story?

Alice in Wonderland = Drugs.  "Hey kids, you ever go on a 2 hour acid trip?" - Walt Disney.  Now I know that Through the Looking-Glass, by Lewis Carroll is on every Child

ren's Lit syllabi, but for real Walt, it was a movie for stoners.  Alice is all hopped up on shrooms, traipsing around wonderland getting into all sorts of hijinks with her fellow stoners.  But I guess it was a cautionary tail because at the end she goes on a bad trip riv

aling the CIA's worst LSD test from the 1950s.

Lady and the Tramp = Being a Bitch.  I think that Mr. Sinatra sang it best:

She gets to hungry for dinner at 8

She loves the theater, but doesn't come late

Shed never bother with people shed hate

That's why the lady is a tramp.

I don't know, I never watched the movie, and neither should you.

Little Mermaide = Gambling.  Ursula, possably the most sexy character WD ever put out.  She got some idiot girl to sell her soul to her for a little

 while on dry land to try to seduce some unsuspecting prince.  Of course, at then end, Ursula, the bookie, gets shafted out of what was owed to her.  I think this story is the only reason that my little brother hasn't payed me back for those Jonas Brothers tickets I bought for him yet.  And if this story actually did inspire him, I doubt I ever will see that money

.

Winnie the Pooh = Gluttony/Obesity.  Lets see how fat we can get a nation.  Thank you Doc. Disney for instilling upon an entire nation the notion that being fat and slow is not only okay, but adorable.

Children Stories:

The Rest of the Children's Lit Syllabi.  All of those stories are just plain nutty.

Frog Prince = Bestiality.  *I am against all types of bestiality* but that frog is a pimp.  He must have had the biggest set of nuts to hop up to some hottie and tell her that he is a prince and the only way for him to prove it to her is for her to swap some spit with him.  Props to the frog, tisk-tisk to the dummy who made out with the frog.

Curious George = Theft & Mischief.  Kids, the way to make friends is to steal things from them.  The monkey and the yellow man's relationship started with that chimp stealing the dudes hat.  Any relationship built on the grounds of theft is destined to fail.  Good luck man with the yellow hat, but if you're going to get a best friend from the jungle, stick with a tiger.

Peter Cotton Tail = Robbery and Breaking and Entering

Pop culture?:

Barbie = Cosmetics.  I'm fairly positive that everyone knows that the inflation in boob jobs is due to the measurements of this doll.

I guess that all I've gathered from this is that Walt Disney was a sicko, Lewis Carroll was a drug addict, Frank Sinatra was a genious, and my little brother and his J.O. friends are a lost cause.  The Offspring said it best, "The kids aren't alright"

A List of Crazy-Ass People

This is a list of crazy-ass people that you may or may not know.  This is not a list of crazy ass-people.  I wouldn't even know where to begin with that.  Feel free to express any additions you feel I left out.  Enjoy:

1.  Mike Tyson

2.  Tom Cruse

3.  Whitney Houston

4.  Tyra Banks

5.  Bobby Brown

6.  Robin Williams (before rehab)

7.  Robin Williams (after rehab)

8.  Nancy Grace

9.  Gary Busey

10.  Chris Poore

11.  Jason Giambi every full moon

12.  Billy Mays

13.  Johnny McEnroe

14.  Michael Jackson

15.  Paula Abdul

16.  Amy Winehouse

17.  T.O.

18.  Chef Ramsey 

19.  Mike Gundy, he's 40

20.  Mel Gibson

I know I must have missed some, so leave your comments.  And if you think one of these people do not belong on this list then feel free to reprimand me to no end.

not a funny story

This is the story behind the name of my blog (this is not a funny story):

Me and about 50 of my friends were at... the library, and were were drinking lots of... literature.  It was one of those late night library cram sessions and one of my friends had to be on his 15th book when he took it upon himself to guard the ke... bookshelf.  He began asking people "friend or foe?" when they tried to get a book.  Well, as late night cramming sessions go, the more books you read the more belligerent you become, and this kid was the model bookworm that evening.

Inevitably,  out of all of these friends, he was bound to run into his foe.  So he found his, and when he asked which they were, got punched in the face.  What made it exceptionally awesome was that his foe was a 6'4", 200 pound chick.

Nothing funnier than a 5'5", 145 pound kid from Staten Island being punched in the face by a giant woman.